“And I think I speak for all Canadians when I say, ‘What the f**k?'”
Confused about which candidate to support in the 2016 Presidential Election? So are we. Luckily, our neighbors to the north have politely suggested a new competitor that could join the race and help make America good again: themselves.
In announcing their Canada-cy, the Canada Party promises to save us from our current options and lead our country into a better future. Who exactly would be our Commander in Chief? “All of us [Canadians], 34 million of the politest people you will ever meet, working in shifts.”
The parodic political party, which has been around for a few years, has elected comedian Brian Calvert as the face of the mock movement, complete with a commercial explaining their stance on the key issues in the political scene today. Could you get behind these platforms?
First up: Gun Control
The Canada Party’s stance on gun control can best be described as “Every Gun a Loaded Gun.”
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“Despite Canada’s pathetic attempt to arm its civilians — a paltry 200 gun deaths in Canada each year, compared to America’s masculine 10,000+ — we recognize that the United States is steeped in gun culture, and we wouldn’t dream of infringing on Americans’ second-amendment right to live in fear of British troops rolling up on the shore.”
When it comes to gay rights, the Canada Party supports that “nearly half of Americans feel that marriage must solely comprise a man and a woman, no matter how gay one or both of them actually are.”
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“The cornerstone of the anti-gay-marriage argument is that sexual promiscuity among gays will destroy traditional marriage. Somehow, through a mathematical formula we have yet to grasp, this means the best way to stop gays from having multiple sexual partners is to deny them the one institution that would prevent them from having multiple sexual partners.”