Honestly, Valentine’s Day is for suckers: Out of 365 days, you shouldn’t spend only one appreciating your partner. That’s weak as all getup. You pay up the wazoo for basic red roses and chalky chocolates, and then you’re crammed elbow to elbow at some restaurant. Now I don’t mind a traditionalist, but if you prefer to be so unoriginal, then these V-Day cards are NOT for you.
People with a (good) sense of humor will want to scoop up these original and clever cards before February 14th. Pah to your red hearts with doilies that are tired from decades of use. You are better than that and so is your love.
This Is Serious
While the message is heartwarming, part of me thinks this is impossible. In order to accomplish loving someone more than Kanye loves himself, you’d have to follow bae around with a microphone every day, constantly exclaiming your feelings.
There’s constant back and forth about whether the triceratops was actually a thing. There’s no back and forth about the amount of hard ons you get, though.
I drunk text everyone. I make political Facebook posts. Then I puke. Then I eat snacks. So the answer is YES, I can be single and awesome. (Please help.)