The next time you tell someone to “Go to Hell,” you might as well buy them a plane ticket to Michigan. That’s where you can find this infamous small town, Hell, Michigan, which has been notable for a while for obvious reasons.
But with society progressing and changing as rapidly as it has been, Hell, Michigan has changed as well. Now, its mayor has instituted a pretty controversial ban… on heterosexuals.
We know, sounds controversial… but we’ve gotta say that we’re totally here for this lighthearted way to make a serious point!
Welcome to Hell
What do erotic Donald Trump fanfiction and Hell, Michigan have to do with one another? Well, it’s probably a great deal more than you think.
The current Mayor of Hell, Michigan, Elijah Daniel, had his claim to internet fame after writing erotic Donald Trump fanfiction topped Amazon’s Bestseller list and went viral on Twitter. Obviously, Daniel gained a pretty unique following based on this… along with some serious haters.
Clearly, his fans outweighed the haters, since he decided to do what many celebrities seem to be doing these days: go into politics. He took to Twitter to share his motivation for becoming a politician, writing, “if Donald Trump, a REALITY STAR can be our president there’s no reason why I can’t be a politician…”
For his first action as mayor, he took another page out of Donald Trump’s book by placing a ban on certain people from entering the town. Instead of banning people based on nationality, he banned them based on their sexuality. Specifically, he banned straight people.
“I love straights, but my #1 priority is the safety of my town,” he wrote on twitter. “Until the heterosexual threat has been reviewed we cannot allow them to enter.”
He added, “Growing up, I was always told that homosexuals would go to Hell, now the heterosexuals are trying to take this from us too.”
As for his legislation, he made it very clear that the “number one responsibility and priority is to protect Hell.” It’s certainly not every day that you hear that.
A Controversial Ban
In fact, he released an entire statement about his intentions. It reads:
“As of today, August 2017, I am establishing new vetting measures to keep radical heterosexuals out of our town. We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our town the very heterosexual threats we are fighting against. The straights coming into our town, procreating, having more straight children to take our rightfully gay jobs. We only want to admit those into our town who will support our town and love deeply our people. I currently feel as if it would just be safer to ban all heterosexuality until we can access the situation further and build a strategy to resolve our problem.”
The mayor did allow for current heterosexuals to remain in Hell, though. The statement continues:
”Our number one responsibility and priority is to protect Hell. We are a compassionate town, and we support the heterosexuals, but it’s time to reevaluate and strengthen our vetting process. And we can no longer in good conscience allow straights to enter. However, we will not deport heterosexuals out of our town. Any heterosexuals currently residing in Hell will instead be charged an $85,000 reproductive precautionary deposit, which will be returned after one year of abstinence from any heterosexual activities.”
He also offered to put heterosexuals into therapy. He wrote:
”We will also be offering a heterosexual reparative therapy program for hetero residents who would like to denounce their heterosexuality and become gay like the rest of the town. The therapy is not mandatory for heterosexual residents, but it is highly encouraged as all hetero residents who do not participate in reparative therapy will be required to wear a scarlet H and meet in the town center at 5:30am wearing cargo shorts every morning to be publicly straight-shamed.”
He signed off by saying, “Thank you for your cooperation in this tough time, together we will Make Hell Great Again.”
For anyone who was wondering how this is possibly legal under the constitution, well, there’s a pretty simple explanation: it’s not. Elijah Daniel was part of the city’s Mayor for a Day tourist attraction, where people can watch over the city for 24 hours for a fee of $100. Heterosexuals are free to remain in Hell for as long as they please.
That said, the obvious political commentary at work here is worth a thought…
Read more about this mayor’s short ruling here.
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