The Dark Ages were darker than I thought
Talk about brown-nosing…
It was literally someone’s job to wipe the king’s butt.
That’s right, someone was getting paid to wipe the royal ass. The “Groom of the Stool” assisted the king with this royal business and the “upkeep” required afterwards. It was actually a coveted position in the court because of the intimate proximity and trust required with the king. The secrets that he became privy to (in the privy!) led him to become revered and feared by other members of the court.
But we’re pretty sure he wasn’t begging for overtime.
Mother Nature supplied everyone with unlimited amounts of toilet paper. The good news: it’s free. All you had to do was go outside and find a bush with nice soft leaves. Just make sure you know which one is the poison oak.
High society used lambs wool as a substitute, but as you can imagine, that wasn’t cheap.
For you I’d bleed myself dry
Don’t feel well? Lovesick? Stomachache? Bleeding is the answer! And we’ll use leeches to do the job. They also practiced using leeches to help circulate the blood in your system.
In fact, bloodletting was a common treatment for a myriad of illnesses. The barber would simply cut you open and let out the blood to help balance the four humors in your system (blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm), which were thought to influence the body AND its emotions.