The Internet at the Speed of Thought

How To Proceed When There’s No Toilet Paper

at 4:57 pm | By

Phone a friend.

upset on the toilet

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Out to beers? Just text your buddy who’s 50 feet away. No one goes to the bathroom without their phone anymore unless they really enjoy reading the label on the pump-soap bottle. “SOS. POO-MERGENCY!” will do. If you’re feeling extra bold, you could call the establishment you’re in and request a rescue service. Just make sure to leave a good tip.

Check yo’self.

sad on the toilet

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If you’re exhausting all of your external options, it’s time to focus on yourself. Do you have anything on you that you could potentially use. Check book? Receipts? Napkins? Newspaper? suggests that if you have your water bottle on you, you could go Euro with a “DIY bidet!” Beggars can’t be choosers, and at this point you’re definitely begging.

Your last resort?

empty toilet paper roll

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What is the least expensive clothing item that you’re wearing? Can you sacrifice those old undies? Or how about those socks or mittens? We realize this is totally gross, but remember – you put yourself in this position. And if you ever want to escape that cube of emotional distress, you’ll do what it takes. Just be sure to hide the evidence.