The Internet at the Speed of Thought

Sarah Silverman Wants Men to Ultrasound Their Balls Before Doing This…

at 6:03 pm | By

Grab Life by the Balls.

Murderers! You’re all murderers!

Of course, I’m addressing any male past the age of puberty who indubitably has, at one point or another, realized that if he touches himself down there too much, it will go off. Boom. Splat.

But wait, ‘How could that be murder?’ you ask? How could you possibly be killing something that isn’t a human and hasn’t been born yet?

Welcome to the world of women, who have had the same backwards ideology forced upon them for decades.

In response to America and other countries’ strict if not arbitrary policies regarding abortion, comedienne Sarah Silverman proposed that men should have to undergo some strict new legal measures before the next time they beat their meat.

It may sound crazy, but her argument is based in science.

sarah silverman masturbation mustache jason bateman

Credit: Kevin Winter/ Getty Images

Here’s the proof…

Sarah’s “Joke”

sarah silverman masturbation standup

Credit: Kevin Winter/ Getty Images

At the end of May, Silverman was doing stand-up in New York City when she got onto the topic of America’s strict reproductive laws, and she had a suggestion: make them even stricter.

In spite of the Supreme Court’s landmark Roe v. Wade decision in 1973, which generally legalized abortion, laws surrounding reproductive rights in various states can make it extremely difficult if not impossible for a woman wishing to get an abortion to do so. According to popular right-wing and religiously-influenced belief, a child is “alive” at the moment of conception if not before, and thus aborting a fetus at any stage is a form of infanticide.

Sarah didn’t dispute this fact in her stand-up, but instead she urged that American lawmakers further protect the integrity of unborn children.

How could we do this? By legislating male masturbation, of course.

“Legislate that sh*t!”

sarah silverman masturbation oscars

Credit: Ethan Miller/ Getty Images

Sarah’s proposal parodies men obsessed with governing what a woman may or may not do to her body. This, of course, comes from a long history of social and sexual activities dictated by male-dominated, religious societies that prey on the systematic oppression of women. While pro-life advocates may steep their arguments in philosophy, theology and biology, at the end of the day, it’s a scary fact that women are not in control of their own bodies, not in 2016, and not in the country that so many claim to be the best and most advanced on the planet.

But there’s also some science behind Sarah’s claim. “Here’s something that I learned that is fascinating, and it’s this: scientists have found that sperm cells smell,” she said. “Like I know sperm smells, but sperm cells have the sense of smell, and you know what that means: sperm is life. And you know what that means: we’ve gotta legislate that sh*t.”