Turn your swag on
It pays to save. Well, not really. Sure, you’ll have more money in your wallet and bank account or in the paper cup that you bury in your backyard. That’s undeniable. Is there anything more satisfying that looking at your banking app and NOT seeing thirteen dollars and sixty seven cents? Wouldn’t that be novel.
But part of the pleasure of not living in a totalitarian, communist dictatorship is buying things. All the things. Throw caution to the wind and get that chrome Tesla on lean and czechoslovakian wolfdog on credit. That what America is all about: building something on nothing, no matter how jerry-rigged and precarious. And what’s more American than online shopping. It like the fourth amendment, right?
We’ve compiled some of the most misguided, regrettable purchases that people are willing to admit on the internet. Check it out.
What did these people buy when they were blackout drunk…
5LB Bag of Sugarless Gummy Bears
“First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.” -Christine E. Torok (Amazon)
For those of you who love the poop emoji, this is a must have. For only $49, you can purchase a swirled, Scandinavian glass paper weight that looks like a human turd crystallized after thousands of years of compression in the depths of the earth. And who better to shape a glass turd than the Scandinavians? Do they even shit? If they do, I am sure it is cold and clear and odorless. The shit that don’t stank is the perfect gift for friends, lovers and yourself.